I grew up with a single mother most of my life.

I never had a shadow of a doubt in my mind that she was Wonder Woman.

There were 5 of us. And she was rocking it.

It always looked so easy… I mean, she really never missed a beat. Breakfast was alway ready in the morning. Dinner was always on the table at 6.It didn’t matter if she was working full time. Or in the mist of the more-than full time baby that was taking care of my elderly grandparents.

I had no idea that I would find myself more like my mom then any of my siblings. but here I sit. A single mom.

I guess in a way I do have it easier than most. My Ex and I get along, very well.

When we made the decision to split, I decided then, that all things aside, no matter what issues I may have with him, that has nothing to do with us raising our daughter in a caring environment, and now that he has another child, it only brings more fuel to that fire. I want these kids to have the best life, and the most love. And never doubt that no matter what.. theres always soft place to fall.

Now… Like any mother I have my moments. I work full time. I get stressed. I fly off the handle. Who doesn’t right?

I have not doubt in my love of my daughter. Where I struggle, is finding time to love myself.

Where, in the chaos of my daily motion do I find time to worry about me? When do I rebuild? how dare I take a second away from the precious time have my daughter with me? Who in the world wants would even be remotely interested in my little pre-built family.

I think back on my childhood.. and my omni-present, always angelically smiling mother. She did rebuild. She found the time, she found the man.

We’ve talked about it.. cause who better to ask than the woman herself.

And all she could ever tell me, was “Babygirl, In patience a and prayer all things are possible.” - thanks mom, that’s not exactly how I imaged the advise she would give. I was hoping she’d tell me WHAT to do, and pray was not the thing that I was reaching for.

How what that even supposed to work? I mean what about now? This woman is crazy..

All im gonna say right now.. is a think she may have been on to something…

Good Job wonder woman.

I’ve been contemplating blogging for quite some time…

But I have never went with it and actually started.

In the last few years of my life, I have been thrown some curve-balls. I don’t want to sound like the martyr of single mothers, and I know for a fact that, compared to most, I have nothing to complain about. And my goal in this blog is not to complain per-say… but more share my experiences, as an outlet for me, so that I can vent of some steam, and so maybe I wont feel like I’m so awkward.

Specifically the last part.

So let me get started.

I spent the day home from work with my daughter today. She has been sick for a few days now, and last night seemed to hit rock bottom.

Any mom knows what this kind of day consists of…

I’ve been puked on, had snot wiped all over me, and the 3 of 4 times she told me she was “Starving” I was left to scrub that food back out of the carpet. After a trip to the pediatrician this morning, and a huge shot of penicillin, I’m finally starting to see the shades of my normal daughter again. 

I find myself frustrated and alone in these moments.. I wonder what in the world went so wrong that I ended up left to carry this responsibility alone. I say that with caution, Because she has a very healthy relationship with her dad.

I say that more from a personal stand-point. I love my daughter, and I do not and will never regret her, or the love and light that she has brought into my life. I just  never imagined that I would be who and where I am today. I remember being 7, and having dreams of being a zoologist, or when I was 10 and I wanted to be a artist, or even when I was a junior in highschool, which wasn’t even that long ago, and being so sure that I was going to go straight to college and be a teacher.

Who knew things would actually end up so different. Who know that you could become so consumed in love with someone that all of that seems to not matter anymore.

Who knew that all of that could be stripped away from you in the blink of an eye.

I say with a heavy heart readers, that the paths that your decisions can create can become touch ones. And after 2 years of searching for the person that I want to be, I have learned that in all you do, you must remember that you should never lose yourself.

Never let go of what makes you happy- your dreams, your desires.

Now, I have a glass of shiraz waiting for me.. I bid you adieu

     -S-